The music that saved me in 2020
2020 was fucking horrendous for me, but the tracks on repeat that really helped me cope.
These aren’t necessarily my favourite songs of the year, although they’re definitely all up there. Instead, they’re the songs that touched me the most and made me feel the most. They’re the songs that I used as therapy.
The songs that I identified with the most. That allowed me to acknowledge and address my traumas. That contained my feelings and protected me from the risk of that acknowledgment spiralling. And that reassured me that I’m not alone, and that these feelings are normal and common.
August, Taylor Swift
But I can see us lost in the memory
August slipped away into a moment in time
’Cause it was never mine
August is a song about grasping onto a period of life that you know has gone, but accepting that hurts. It was intense and meaningful while it happened, and you felt it would last forever, but it died almost as quickly as it developed.
I have definitely cried to this song more than I care to admit this year, but it also helped me come to terms with a relationship that I thought was forever coming to an end.
Dependent, Mae Muller
And I just lost my mind
Why do I over think all of the time?
’Cause everything is good, it’s great, it’s fine
But I just get so worried
One of the biggest realisations I had this year was that I had made myself too dependent on the people closest to me for my stability. The effect of that was that the smallest problem in those relationships was blown massively out of proportion in a panic, and also that I had held back from developing my own individuality.
Not only is this the biggest BOP of the year — it also touches my heart intensely, both validating my own independence and reminding me that it’s important to continue working on that.
Bad Friend, Rina Sawayama
I’m so good at crashing in
Making sparks and shit but then
I’m a bad, I’m a bad, I’m a bad friend
Matt Gavin wrote about this masterpiece much more eloquently than I ever could: “It captures an almost universal feeling in such a pure and insightful way. And a feeling I rarely ever see an artist brave enough to capture. Suffocating and arresting, a desperate plea to be seen.” (SAWAYAMA — Album of the Year)
This speaks to me so much it hurts. I know the pattern in the chorus is one I’m desperately bad at repeating. I know that I get so attached to people so quickly. And I know that invariably my closest friendships end up as victims of my self-destruction. This year was the most painful example of that, and this song manages to simultaneously shred my heart to pieces, and also reassure me that I’m not the only one. I’ve definitely used this song to punish myself, but also to remind myself that being human isn’t easy for anyone.
IN A DREAM, Troye Sivan
But I won’t let you in again
I’m gonna lock the doors and hide my shit
’Cause my spirit’s wearing thin
And there’s only so much I can give
This is my “fuck you, I am regaining control” song. It discusses the difficulty of moving on. As much as you try, the memories and regrets always find a way back to you. You can shut off the conscious thoughts, but the subconscious will keep reminding you of what you’ve lost and how much that hurts.
They say that time heals the deepest wounds, and that is true to an extent, but as Troye says: “So far away, but I still feel you everywhere.”
Distance, Ruel
Well, I don’t want to say this was hard, it was
Trying not to stay but that just made it worse
I’ve been keepin’ my distance
Well, I just wanna know what you’re thinking
This pulls a few of those threads from above together: a moment in time is over, you know you need to stay away, but losing that hurts, and you can’t help but wonder.
Do they think about me? Are they angry? Do they care? Are they happy this happened? Are they sad? Will they ever want to rebuild? Can that happen? Are they asking these same questions? I know that when my ghost visit me ‘in a dream’ these are the questions that I can’t escape.
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