2020 nearly broke me… but also gave me a renewed purpose

It broke my heart, and very nearly broke me… but this year also gave me special new connections, new opportunities, and renewed purpose

I know 2020 was challenging for most people, but fucking hell I really grabbed onto that and owned it.

I literally started the year with a MH breakdown, feeling suicidal on NYE even before I had anything to drink.

My birthday was probably the worst day of my life. I had a major, major MH crisis, deeply suicidal, and the closest I have ever come to actually completing that.

I hurt my husband that night, and I hurt my best friend. That relationship never recovered and just went further and further downhill, and every time I tried to save it I just made it worse to the point where he now doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist.

That ended up being the defining theme of my year, and the first time I have felt proper heartbreak. And I can’t escape that for long, the smallest memories trigger me all the time and it feels indescribably painful every time.

I also struggled turning 30, mostly because I mourned lost opportunities. For various health reasons, I feel I didn’t really start my life until my late 20s.

My growth in the last few years makes me v proud, but I also can’t escape the knowledge that what should have been the best years of my life never existed. And as much as I can make up for lost time, I’m still reminded that life is very short and I’m further down that line than I feel I should be.

Because of all that, 2021 was supposed to be the year where I really embraced life, but lockdown really fucked that up. All those feelings of lost time, life being short, and losing my youth just felt 10x stronger.

I was already feeling isolated and lonely living out in the countryside, and getting into the city and meeting new people was huge for me. So having that taken away was really difficult and I struggled with that a lot.

All of that, and other struggles and anxieties were exacerbated by the pandemic and lockdown to the point where I had another major MH crisis and ended up first in A&E, then being sent away for a week of respite and therapy.

That helped. A lot. And in the 2nd half of 2020 of course I’ve had wobbles, but I have been mostly stable. I am so grateful for the support I got from the NHS and the team at Oak House in Burnley.

I’m also grateful beyond comprehension to Aaron, both for his support and encouragement through those crises, and for his patience and understanding through periods in which I know I caused deep hurt.

If anything at all good can come from those difficult points, it’s reaffirming just how incredible he is and how lucky I am to have him and all he gives me, and making me feel even closer to him than ever

I’m also massively grateful to my special connections and community of queers that emerged through 2020. A small group of friends that didn’t exist a year ago, but is now tight, supportive, and very important to me.

It’s weird to think that I haven’t met half of them, and even with those I have it’s been brief and fleeting. In a dark year, they are an intense bright spot and have helped me more than they know just by being there.

And as difficult as the challenges I’ve had this year have been, it is those challenges which have pushed me on. Hitting rock bottom is a cliche, but I think the extent of those crisis really shocked me into needing to make change.

One of the big decisions I took after this point was to Just Fucking Do It. Stop holding back, no more overthinking, just jump in. I’d rather give something a go and regret it, than regret not having the balls to try.

I joined an LGBT football team (VMFC) a few months ago and that helped massively. I’d wanted to start playing sport for ages but lacked the confidence and motivation until now. It provided fitness, structure, social interaction, and personal challenge. I’ve definitely felt my stability drop since new restrictions kept me away.

My husband and I made the decision to move away from the country and into the city. I feel lonely over here, even moreso after losing my friend, and this is a big move but one I know will be really great for me, and Aaron.

I got a new job. A really, really great job. With the most perfect employer. Working on exciting projects for inspiring clients. And being in Manchester it helps to make that city move more tangible and reachable.

And I watched Aaron’s business flourish throughout the year, but especially the last few months. It’s been exciting to play a part, but even more it’s been so inspiring to watch Aaron’s passion, care and hard work.

And I’m grateful to the micro interactions I’ve had with people on Twitter and Instagram. I feel more at home than ever within the LGBTQ community, and have many people who I really admire and hope to continue building relationships with.

So 2020 has been traumatic, and I didn’t realise until writing this that is was real trauma. But it definitely was. And I know the trauma I experienced this year will follow me into 2021. But I also know it will be beaten.

I’m ending the year with so many new opportunities, people who I care about, a refreshed sense of purpose and identity, and a stronger direction than ever before.

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